Just Press The Emma Button
by OnceForeverXylo
Summary: Just a collection of silly/smutty/scary/random/AU one-shots about Killian learning to use modern day technology. There's a strong focus on Captain Swan, as well as Captain Charming. Hope you enjoy :)
1. Just Press The Emma Button

The little black oblong of metal and glass was something that confounded Killian when he first saw it. It had appeared magically on the kitchen table, as if plucked from another realm and yet it otherwise looked entirely unremarkable. He'd laughed at first when Emma had told him that he could talk to people through it, and hold actual full length human conversations. its just a bloody piece of metal. he thought to himself it's like talking to a wall, or a cup. Next thing I'll be discussing current affairs with a shoe.  
"I'll admit" Emma began "It sounds kinda stupid. But just hear me out."  
"Stupid? Bloody ridiculous more like" Hook chided, looking at the gadget sceptically.  
"today we're doing a call. All you've got to is turn it on, press the call button then tap my face? 'Kay? I've already loaded it with all our pictures, so you can't call my mom by mistake."  
"But there aren't any button's on the thing... it's just a flat box!"

She was yet to breach the topic of text messages but thought it best to leave that for another time, having to explain a keyboard would give Killian a massive headache and the pirate couldn't put up with much bamboozlement without getting irritated and threatening to run his hook through the damned thing. There were already several scratches where he'd attempted to bash it to pieces after failing to even turn it on.

"Okay okay Killian!" Emma had said that evening she'd found him in the compromising position, holding the phone in the air ready to dash it against the worktop  
"Where's the turn-it-on button then? Show me. I can't-"  
"Yeah Okay, it's on the side, just there-just... just push it in."  
"Like that?" he clicked the button twice, causing a faint electronic click but nothing much else.  
"Nope. That turned it off again. Just click it down once, 'kay?"  
The pirate scrunched up his face, and with a gently shaking thumb pushed the power button on the side.  
"Oh!" he said, as the bottom side of the device suddenly bloomed with light. "Is it supposed to have lights?  
"Yes" Emma suppressed a giggle "that means it's working. Turn it over" He did. And looked confusedly at the matrix of squares which riddled the screen. The colours truly bombarding his senses.  
"that's the call button." she had said, pointing to a green shape, with a white C in the middle.

"You're going to call me, okay?" Emma instructed now, poking at the screen which shone an irradiate white all over her face. "But I'm going to leave the room just to make sure you know what you're doing"  
"No! I-I don't... SWAN!" but too late, she was out of the door before he could finish his exclamation of intense distress. He couldn't be left alone with the demonic phone... it could be dangerous, he could break it or something. He'd even heard about little kids like Henry wracking up massive bills on things called apps, and simply couldn't risk that. As a one time ruler of one of the seven seas he couldn't be beaten by a shiny black box though.  
"JUST PRESS THE EMMA BUTTON!" his new found crush shouted from the hallway.

After a few moments of staring at the screen in fear, and of his brain sending all its signals to run away, to throw the thing in the trash and just leave, he found the green button she'd shown him before and put a finger to it. Immediately a gallery of photos appeared of people across Storybrooke, there was Regina. The black haired vixen with who'd called him "Guyliner..." whatever that meant. Then David, the chiseled prince of... wherever smiling out at him with two fingers held by his face.  
And finally there was Emma, giving a wide eyed grin which while rare suited her well. He pressed another finger to her face and the picture expanded to fill the whole screen. With this he set the device to his ear.

"Hello?" the pirate said, tentatively, feeling more than a little bit foolish for talking into the thing. His bashfulness was swiftly assuaged when he heard Emma's voice emanate from it.  
"Hi Killian." she sounded relieved "You did it!"  
"Aye!-But Emma... I can hear you perfectly well without this bloody thing. Why don't you just talk to me?"  
"that's not the point. What if you or I or Henry get into trouble and you need to talk to us."  
"Then I'll just scream really loudly and just hope to god you hear me... it's what I did at sea, or flares? I could use flares?"  
"I'm not letting you blow anything up. Last time you sent a flare Leroy nearly had a heart attack!"


	2. The AyePhone X

Even though Storybrooke was as isolated as it was possible for a town to be, with it's middle-of-nowhere location and the spell over the town line which would prevent people from even coming in, somehow the buzz about the new iPhone (known as the X) seeped through the cracks and began to stir up excitement in the residents. Ads broadcast on television promised a magic akin to the magic they possessed. Maybe even something more powerful. With flashy graphics and upbeat music the devices were intensely enticing... the most exciting element was Emojis. These tiny pictures enabled a level of communication not previously possible in normal conversation. With a little yellow face you could indicate emotion, lots of little clocks with which you could tell the time, and a purple vegetable that meant something different than anything about nutrition. The Apple corporation (much like other companies that I could name here) existed on the premise that technology could be magical and they believed it, just like everyone who would queue out of the door days before a product was released just to be the first to get a hand on one.

That's why for Christmas Killian Jones received a strange white box. He unwrapped it on his lap, tossing multicoloured paper across the room and then once he had unveiled a simple white box looked confusedly up at his wife, with his signature eyebrows raised. "Another box?"  
"It's what's inside Kill... Open it properly"  
"Why did you even bother wrapping it in the first place. A box in a box? It's pointless."  
"I don't care. It's fun. Open it."

With some trepidation he peeled the top half off revealing a black oblong. Then was the look again. Trying to diffuse the awkwardness Emma squeaked and ran to hug Killian, wrapping her arms around his neck "Surprise! Happy Christmas!"  
"Another bloody talking phone?" He said around her embrace "Swan I don't even know how t-"  
this is when she relinquished her grip and "No it's fine look! it's already set up!" she bounced back over to the box and presses the home button, which was a little white square at the bottom of the device causing it to  
"wow... great... but why do I need this? I've already got a phone?"  
"It's got cool new features, which I think you're really going to like. Mum's left us a message, see!

Emma held up the screen and let Killian squint. On the phone was a unicorn, and it was speaking. With the voice of Mary Margaret. "Hi Emma and Killian!" she squeaked from the mouth of the mythical creature, which was bobbing up and down enthusiastically "Happy Christmas to you both! Aren't these new phones just fantastic! LOOK I'M TALKING TO YOU AS A UNICORN HAHAHA! Anyway, can't wait to see you later David's cooking something special. It's 4pm, remember? Great, bye."  
Then it was gone, the unicorn pausing mid animation.

"What the bloody hell was that? Swan... I think your mother's finally lost the plot. Also, I'm slightly concerned about what special might be... I hope to goodness its not-"  
"It won't be... not again and Mom's not crazy, not really. It was an animated message. You can record your voice as an emoji character. Like a robot! Look see! Or a pig!"  
"What's that one?" Killian said with some amusement, pointing at a brown splodge with eyes in the corner of the screen. Immediately the new character took over the screen and Killian burst out laughing, "Is that? Poo Swan? You can talk as a poo?"  
"I don't know..." Emma said, blushing as her words were echoed by the talking faeces. "I think... I'm hoping... it's chocolate ice cream."


	3. Checkmates

The message popped up on the office computer one slow Sunday, Rogers hadn't moved for hours or averted his gaze from a stack of paperwork and so it came as a welcome distraction. When the electrical pop sounded he wheeled around on his "spinny" chair, moused over the message and read...

 **To Detective Rogers**  
 **I know you're probably _busy_ at your super important job, but do you want to play a game?  
** **T**

Instantly the detective knew exactly who the _anonymous_ sender was. Tilly. The 20 something blonde with a taste for trouble.  
Rogers wasn't even going to ask how the dreadfully plucky girl had gotten his Office mail, it would probably be way too complex for his feeble understanding and involve words like Hacking, which to him only meant something you do with an Axe, still... over the last few weeks the girl had begun to grow on him. She provided him with cheeriness which countered his own humble and slightly reluctant personality. So he clicked on the window and typed his reply. It was composed of three simple words.

 **Bring it on**

the next reply came rapidly. Tilly was obviously sat in front of a computer right now.

 **What we playing?** It was possible to almost hear her enthusiasm shouting through the screen **Chess, Minesweeper? Hangman?**

Rogers blinked in surprise, vainly attempting to decode the last two words **  
**

 **Well... I only know what one of those is.** Even typing it made him blush.

 **Okay ;) Chess it is.**

Before Rogers could do anything, such as ask exactly how a boardgame would work through a screen a grid popped up on his screen populated by 16 black and 16 white shapes. As he watched one of the shapes moved forward. Then another text box appeared.  
This time it read  
 ** _Your move :)_**


	4. Chapter 4

After a few weeks of fiddling with his phone, Killian Jones eventually got a serviceable understanding of what he could do with it. He knew what buttons called people, what buttons sent digital letters to people and what buttons took photos. He knew his own phone number, Emma's, Henry's and even the in-laws so he could talk to them whenever he needed.  
He'd never actually done any of that mind. He couldn't bring himself to. The people who he could talk to via the gadget were those that were already around him, he didn't see the point of conversing through a screen if he could just walk down the street and have a conversation face to face.  
There was one thing however which completely dumbfounded him even in concept. An idea that his wife posed one night after a particularly rough but entirely boring tumble beneath the sheets.

"sex-ting"

"so..." he said, checking he had it right in his mind "I point the phone at my... privates... and take a picture?"  
"Yep. It's that simple, then you send it to me. Or... you know, whoever. But I'd hope it would be me"  
"And what... you... you-you look at it? For what? For fun? To do a check up?-"  
"Some kind of fun." Emma smirked, rolling over onto her belly to reach for his cock. As her fingers brushed it he giggled and felt the blood rush to that area, with a little tingle at the end.  
"Oh-ho-ho I get it Swan. I get it. Let me try it now"

At this he sprung out of bed and dove into the bathroom. Once he'd locked the door behind him, still aware of Henry's presence, Killian pulled his trousers down, and glared at his genitals. With one hand he opened an app on his phone called "Snap Chat" for the first time in his life and pressed the shutter button. A click notified him that he'd taken a picture.

Back in the bedroom Emma roared with laughter "KILLIAN! KILLIAN! I've only got your face!"  
"Oh." the pirate said, disappointed. "Sorry Swan"  
"I don't care. I prefer the real thing anyway.


End file.
